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Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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Product Description

"He doesn't mean to hurt me-he just loses control."
"He can be sweet and gentle."
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he's a great father."
"He's had a really hard life..."

Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and change their own lives. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor shows how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship, with:

? The early warning signs
? Nine abusive personality types
? How to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will
? The role of drugs and alcohol
? What can be fixed, and what can't
? How to leave a relationship safely

Customer Reviews:

  • Refreshing and chillling read; challenged my preconceptions
    Thank you very much, Mr. Bancroft, for writing this book. As a woman, I found my own attitude that men are "superior" and lack of confidence in my own ability to handle equality was revealed as I read what you wrote. I suspect that many girls and women who have been conditioned to believe this may have the same difficulty seeing the man as a human being with a superior attitude rather than as someone who deserves deference. Hearing Mr. Bancroft express this view of equality in power and status among men and women, and debunk male privilege and the primitiveness of the man-as-status object/woman-as sex object feedback loop that we get into all too much in our culture, really lifted my spirits.

    Now, I would add that the inverse side of this is that the woman must take responsibility for herself and not rely on some sort of primitive expectation that catering to a high-status or apparently powerful man is going to get her through life. Many women do not want to give up this dream, unfortunately, which I think is based in primitive biology and in fact sometimes (albeit rarely) works to enrich the woman and give her status (See Anna Nicole Smith, Laura Bush, to some degree Hillary Clinton.) This means the woman must learn how to earn and manage money, engage in politics and take responsibility for her economic viability independently of a man (or the man in her life.) She must also have the emotional resilence to tolerate objections (and rejection) from many men and women who are invested in and appear to prefer patriarchy as she finds her place in the world. I recommend Harriet Lerner's "The Dance of Anger" for understanding how this responsibility can trigger anxiety in women and Suze Orman's "Women & Money" for some basic information about how a woman needs to look at herself to manage herself economically.

    What I don't think many men get is that they appear more attractive, more virile, more manly and sexier to many women (to me anyway) when they have this personal strength of character that men like Mr. Bancroft exhibit. A man who does not oppress women is quite a man indeed.
    ...more info
  • Please read even if you are not sure you are being abused
    I read this book because I suspected I had been abused by my ex. I left him very uncertainly and solely on the basis of my gut and his recent intolerable treatment of me. I was sorely tempted to go back to him because he was kind to me at times.
    Four weeks later, I am vindicated by this book. Also, it has helped me heal because now I understand that it was not my fault, I am not a stupid, narrow minded woman who has no idea how to dress/how to attract men and so on and so forth. I understand that the abusive man is very subtly manipulative and there are really very few things one can do to change him (the author does describe how in the book, though in my case I decided moving on was a better choice). I also know now never to go back to him.
    Thank you, Dr.Bancroft, for publishing this insightful book. This is one woman you have helped very much....more info
  • Every Woman should be born with this book
    I have bought several copies of this book for other women. I have told many women about the content to help them in situations they have been in with controlling men. This book allows people to regain self confidence through knowledge.

    Parents buy this book for your teenage girls. It will be the best purchase you have ever made. Whether they are in an abusive relationship or not, this book will teach them not to get in one. Hats Off to Lundy....more info
  • Excellent
    This book has been written to help people identify abusive/violent behaviours and how to cope or escape from them: from psychological abuse to physical assault. There's usually nothing wrong inside an abuser's mind. It's amazing to find out why they do that. It has helped me understand why so many women are being killed by their partners- who are described as nice, cool guys. Meanwhile society seems to turn a blind eye on this issue by blaming the victims; as if we had nothing to do with it. What about the children?...more info
  • Great
    I've read the following books: Don't Say That to Me, Emotional Black Mail, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, the Verbally Abusive Relationship, Stop Walking on Egg Shells, Emotional Vampires, The Gaslight Effect, The Disease to Please. All read in hopes that I could find the cure to make my relationship better. I really wanted to see a therapist, but I couldn't afford it at the time. I would like to add here that If you are looking at the list of books above or Lundy's book, I recommend finding a way to see a therapist. I think that the reality of my situation only sunk in when I heard it from a therapist, that I was being controlled and emotionally abused. My emotional abuse was so bad, that I really questioned my reality, and sometimes wondered if I made the whole situation up ---- and even when I was reading Lundy's book, and could identify with so many of the situations, I still doubted my situation. If having a therapist support me while reading the book was worth every penny. I wish I would've just done it earlier. If you do see a therapist, make sure you see a therapist that specializes in abuse though, I think it really made a difference in my life.

    I digress....

    I read all of the books listed above in hopes that I could learn some "magic" tactic that would disarm my boyfriend from treating me the way he does. As Lundy stated, I thought that I could change to make him stop, and that the problem was me, not him. I really wanted it to be as easy as changing the manner in which I communicated. I believed that it was my fault for being insensitive to his past, and that I should work on myself, and figure out a way to make it better. My nightstand was covered in self-help books, and I still didn't have a magic solution. - Reality Check - After reading Lundy's book, I realize that you can't change a person's values by changing your communication style. It just doesn't work. There were a number of people here who did not like the book because there was not enough emphasis placed on a possible solution. I think that there is a just reason behind that, there is no simple solution on fixing abuse.

    This book really helped me, I can't recommend it enough.

    ...more info
  • Total Lifesaver!
    This book has changed my life forever! It's totally amazing. I liked it so much I bought another copy and gave it to my friend. She in turn has told others and are now asking them to read it. I credit Lundy for the knowledge I have today about abusive men. This book is a clear indication of when you're in the danger zone! Thanks Lundy....more info
  • This book saved my life !!
    My spouse had me convinced our troubles were all my fault...It wasn't until I read this book that I saw my husband for what he is: An Abuser ! I was so depressed I couldn't even function on a daily basis...Reading this book every day is a must! Once I started reading this book it took me 2 years to get out of this marriage. With this book I was able to predict his every move and it empowered me ! When I was reading the chapters about getting out and divorcing my spouse I felt it didnt apply to me until I actually went through with it and what do you know? My abuser reacted just as Bancroft said he would. I call this book my bible LOL it saved my life and I realized I AM NOT THE CRAZY ONE ! I always have an extra copy on hand so that I can give it someone else in need !...more info
  • A Must-Read for Everyone! It will open your eyes!
    This book really opened my eyes. It is not just for victims of abuse. Too often, those of us who have friends, family and neighbors who are going through divorce seriously misjudge the situation. In the past, I've been guilty of thinking that, in many cases, the woman was acting irrationally in leaving her husband. But, armed with the insights from this book I have a very different understanding of how abusive men think and act and why they so often don't appear to be abusive to those of us on the outside looking in. It has improved my understanding of what abuse is and how it affects the victim. If everyone would read this book it would make it much more difficult for abusers to continue their abuse. Unfortunately, our lack of understanding actually enables their abuse. Victims of abuse need our support, not our uninformed judgment and criticism. The insights from this book will be especially helpful to anyone who has opportunity to counsel with couples, whether professionally or otherwise. As a religious leader, I've learned that it can be very difficult to assess the situation when counseling with couples and I am grateful for the priceless revelations offered in this book. On a side note: most of my reading is leadership and self-improvement, but this has been the most important and enlightening book I have ever read! It is the only book I have ever felt compelled to review....more info
  • Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men
    This book is a GODSEND to anyone that is in, getting out of or having left a Domestic Violence relationship. This book was recommended to me by one of my D.V councellors. I had so many questions, doubts, fears and this book addressed each one of them. It is almost as if the book is written especially about you and the experience you are having. This is the insight, knowledge and understanding the Author has of Domestic Violence and the men that are perpetrators of this crime. PLEASE if you are living in fear, get this book TODAY!!...more info
  • Highly Recommend
    I have an emotionally abusive father and I was so amazed by this book. It is fabulous. Not only does it describe him perfectly it gives great simple advice. It is a must read for anyone in a relationship with an abusive, controlling man. I am so thankful to him for writing this. It is helping my mother tremendously. Just like Bancroft says my father wears her down emotionally and tries to make her feel that she can't make it on her own. He has driven a wedge in every personal relationship she has, he turns people against her. Then he convinces her that it is all her fault. Everything I read in the book was right on target. I did not expect to like it so much. ...more info
  • He hit the nail on the head!
    My husband and I have two teenagers and have been married since 1991. We met in '86 and have had a turbulent relationship from the very beginning. I broke it off with him numerous times due to his self-centered, abusive nature but wound up pregnant in the process. When the second one came along, he wanted to get married; my decision to go ahead and take the plunge (into hell) was the biggest mistake of my life. Twenty-two years later, his abuse has only gotten worse and trying to get out of the situation has proved far more complicated than I ever could have imagined.

    If Mr. Bancroft's book would have been available at the time I was considering marriage, I think my life would be completely different right now. I am amazed by the accuracy of the information he has presented. Living with an abusive man for over twenty years, I can confidently say I have never read a book that so perfectly describes my husband's abusive, bizarre, childish behaviors and the thinking behind them. I always knew he had a problem with women but didn't completely understand the reasons behind it.

    The book can be a real life saver for any woman considering a relationship or marriage. It's dead on so, after reading it, if you find yourself discounting, minimizing, or questioning any of the the information, be forwarned, you're headed for TROUBLE!

    ...more info
  • The bible about abusive behavior and how to see through it clearly
    In Feb. of this year my child and I escaped from my husband's abusive behavior to a domestic violence shelter. The shelter staff fortunatley invited me to a teleconference by the author Lundy Bancroft who summarized the behavior of an abusive person which fit my husband almost to a T so I bought the book.

    This book helped me to see clearly. I'm a pretty logical person and had only been in the abuse for 3 years and had tried marriage counseling before deciding to leave. I knew he wouldn't change but my emotions were all over the place and I asked myself all the time "Why did he do that?" "Didn't he know what happiness he was missing out on?" etc.

    After finishing the book I understood why he had acted that way and I also noticed more subtle forms of emotional and verbal abuse he had used on me. I had no question that I could never go back to him. If I hadn't read the book I'd be questioning myself more.

    I lent the book to my brother's friend who is a guy that was being abused by his wife. This guy I viewed as pretty much destroyed and thought he'd never leave his wife. I knew that if he read the book he'd be able to leave her. Happy news he read the book and has left her.

    In addition to victims others should read this book like lawyers, judges, marriage counselors, police, teenagers, etc.to be able to see through the lies. Many abusers are very cunning and can mislead law enforcement, courts, and marriage counselors.

    I just can't recommend this book enough. I donnated my copy to a local domestic violence shelter and am going to buy another one to lend....more info